Right now things are still in shambles and though I don't show it, it's starting to take it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Financial and family issues are digging deep into me like a dagger in my guts. The last few entries in my blog are all about the problems that I've been dealing and right now, things are getting more complicated. Back then, when bad things happen and it all falls apart, I was a good loser and took it in stride, but now I feel that I can't do that anymore, especially now that there are too many things at stake and wrench in the machine can really have grave consequences. People say that I exaggerate when I get like this, but when I feel that, I've lost a lot, I can't take it anymore and consoling won't help like that Genesis song "Taking It All Too Hard".
For me, the song has a deep meaning because it reminds me of times when thing fell apart and I was left hurting from it. I've had a lot of losses in my life and they really hurt me even today. I can't go on seeing things fall apart and just accept it only to keep experiencing the same thing again and again. When people say that it's no big deal, well it is to me. It stinks when you try so hard and come up short and you wanted to succeed so bad not just for yourself, but for the people closest to you which is why I take it really hard.
Face with the same problem once again is like confronting a ghost from the past which is making me angry. I don't want to go through this again and whoever is making me go through this (I don't know who and I don't care)has some sick sense of humor. I hope I can find a solution to this predicament soon. If I don't, I feel that I have not learned my lesson and once again find myself victimized. To sum it up, I'm really gonna take it hard if that happens to this situation which I pray will not. I know that life isn't fair, but don't make it any more unfair than it already is.
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