Yesterday somebody said something that once again brought me to new lows. It happens every time I am finally able to engage in conversation and it brings me down because once again I am reminded of the precarious situation that I find myself in. The fact that things are getting tighter hounds me day and night so much that I'm eternally tensed. I am trying as hard as I can to make things better and it's not getting easy with all the pressure mounting. Led Zeppelin's song "All Of My Love" best describes my frustration of doing all that I can but still coming up short.
For the last three years, I've been struggling to find ways to make ends meet and now that my father has died, that struggle has just gotten harder. I give whatever I could when it was needed and a lot of times I wind up short and when it's not enough, it really hurts me because it reminds of all the bad decisions and the wasted time of the could'ves and maybes. If I try to complain, it wouldn't do any good since my past actions or inactions got me to this situation. I don't even care for myself anymore and it's been a long time since I've done something for my personal enjoyment. Then someone drops a line that hits a nerve and when that happens, it's the same as a slap in the face.
I can't even relax anymore and it irks me that the few good conversations, let alone moments that make me feel good get ruined by those lines. I don't show my reaction but deep inside it really hurts and I wonder how the people who drop these would feel if they were on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. If anything, it's a grim reminder of how hard things are but in my case, they really make me remember that fact in one way or another. Well as always, take the pain and fight is the only thing that I can do. I swear, WHEN things really get settled (and I know they will), I'm going to hit the bottle cause for once I want to enjoy what I reaped cause I gave it my all.
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