I have often mentioned about the dark periods where I have hit rock bottom more than once. Each time that the sad times hit me, I felt like everything broke down and I fell from grace. It hurt even more when you hear people berating you for making wrong decisions or for letting it all fall apart. In those times I felt like someone branded the scarlet letter on my forehead and the stigma was even more painful than the burn. The worst part about it is that no matter what you say to explain, it always comes out as your fault. Whenever I hear the Car's song "Drive" and see the video, those feelings always come back in large wave.
In those periods, I thought Iwas going crazy. I often called these periods "Nebuchadnezzar Syndrome" because it reminded me of the time when the great king went insane and ate grass like a cow. What I went through during those periods, I felt the same way and often hid from shame. Even though I was able to pass those times, each experience has left me emotionally scarred. In the video when Paulina Poritskova was crying, I often turned away because it was too much for me to see.
I hated those feelings of helpessness and despair because I felt totally incapacitated. The pain overrided everything inside me that I often found myself numb. I really don't want to go through this again and I don't want anyone in my family to suffer this kind of ordeal. It is the worst kind of experience anyone can go through. Even today, I try to be careful about the decisions I make because I donot want to fall in that state of disgrace again.
No comments:
Post a Comment