When You Can't Hide Your Emotions: Taking It All Too Hard By Genesis

Right now things are still in shambles and though I don't show it, it's starting to take it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Financial and family issues are digging deep into me like a dagger in my guts. The last few entries in my blog are all about the problems that I've been dealing and right now, things are getting more complicated. Back then, when bad things happen and it all falls apart, I was a good loser and took it in stride, but now I feel that I can't do that anymore, especially now that there are too many things at stake and wrench in the machine can really have grave consequences. People say that I exaggerate when I get like this, but when I feel that, I've lost a lot, I can't take it anymore and consoling won't help like that Genesis song "Taking It All Too Hard".

For me, the song has a deep meaning because it reminds me of times when thing fell apart and I was left hurting from it. I've had a lot of losses in my life and they really hurt me even today. I can't go on seeing things fall apart and just accept it only to keep experiencing the same thing again and again. When people say that it's no big deal, well it is to me. It stinks when you try so hard and come up short and you wanted to succeed so bad not just for yourself, but for the people closest to you which is why I take it really hard.

Face with the same problem once again is like confronting a ghost from the past which is making me angry. I don't want to go through this again and whoever is making me go through this (I don't know who and I don't care)has some sick sense of humor. I hope I can find a solution to this predicament soon. If I don't, I feel that I have not learned my lesson and once again find myself victimized. To sum it up, I'm really gonna take it hard if that happens to this situation which I pray will not. I know that life isn't fair, but don't make it any more unfair than it already is.

Blaming Is Useless: No One Is To Blame By Howard Jones

I didn't sleep well last night because I was still thinking about my financial predicament. Whether at work or at home, I'm face with the problem day in, day out: Money. As I have written in my previous entries, I don't care much about getting rich because all I want is to earn enough for excercise, martial arts and meeting the needs of my parents and the costs in the house. Sadly, this situation has left me scratching my head on what to do because once again, we're short and I really mean short. Still,as much as it annoys me, I don't blow up on anybody because I agree with Howard Jones's song: No One Is To Blame.

Although the song, is about a ruined relationship, I believe this song can relate to anyone who is experiencing one bad situation after another. Like the song, there are things that you can do that's within your power but can't because of the emotional effect that bad developments often bring to a person. When you get emotionally overwhelmed and everything falls apart,you feel rage boiling inside you and you want to lash out at something or someone, but the reality is that it won't solve anything and blaming others is pointless. When the rage is gone, the strength just leaves your limbs and you slump to where ever your body falls. Even if there is someone to blame, it won't make things right, though I wish those who caused it should face up to what they did.

Right now I don't what to do at this point because there are too many things that need attention to financially and right my hands are tied up. Coming up with a plan is going to be hard to get through these last few days, let alone till the 15th. Right now another development has arisen that's really annoying me. I just hope the Almighty have mercy not just on me, but on all of us at this point. I'll do what I can and I hope that something will turn up.

Don't Want To Be A Cartoon Casualty: You Can Call Me All By Paul Simon

Man, I don't like what's happening lately. I feel that I'm repeating past events over and over again. The places and people have been rearranged, but I feel that I'm in the same situation once again. I fear that I'm living my life in a sick movie script where I'm playing the same character and the same skit with just a few re-assignment of character roles of the people around me. The reason I hate and fear this is because it proves that I haven't learned anything from the past and am doomed to repeat which is becoming more and more evident everyday. When I listen to Paul Simon's song "You Can Call Me Al", it reminds me of that awful fear that things in my life won't change.

I don't claim to have an exact interpretation of the song but there are a lot of parts in the lyrics that describes this fear that I have inside of me. I can really relate with the first part of the song about not wanting to be a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard which I too fear. At times when I was at my weakest, I found myself relying too much on others hoping that they have the magic solution, but alas, they don't. At the moment, it's been one problem after another, not only for me, but also my family as well and I don't find it amusing at all! This is one cartoon that has no humor and it it claims to have any, it's in bad taste!!

Right now the house is in an uproar because of plumbing problems which is one hell of a situation to come home to. Right now tempers are high and pockets are empty which is sadly part of this sick cycle. I don't know if there are people who find this funny and if they do, they are sick people indeed. If the Almighty, is watching and listening, please help me find a way to solve this problem and break this cycle. I know it's all up to me, but can you atleast help me make a stand because I don't want to go through this again.

I'm Sinking Song: I'm Going Down By Bruce Springsteen

Because of what's happening in my life lately, my weekend was spent in apprehension as to what will happen next. It's bad enough that I have to ask for money so I can go to work, now I find out that the well is gone dry again. Man, I hate this situation because it reminds me of the I got humiliated during a family dinner and it still smarts whenever I remember the experience. All my life, I dread getting into precarious situations in any parts of my life. Right now I hear Bruce Springsteen singing "I'm Going Down" which literally describes my current plight.

The song describes a good relationship going bad. At first things are good between him and his partner, then things change as she starts growing cold towards him. This leads to him feeling down due to such harsh treatment. In my case, though it's not about a reationship, nevertheless, certain developments have caused me to feel "down" as well. Right now emotionally and mentally, I'm going down.

This is isn't the first time this happened, infact, this is the second and I'm not the only getting affected by this sordid development. Sometimes I wonder why those who toil till they drop are the ones who are the victim of such cruel twists of fate. At times like these, I think of Bergson's Shipwreck Theory and I also pray for a solution to this mess. I hope I see the light out of this tunnel very soon cause it's really giving me tensions. At times, like these, I hope the Good Lord guides me to something better because there's gotta be more to life than this.

Up And Down Mood Swings: I Go To Extremes By Billy Joel

Boy, I sure am coming down with a bad case of mood swings. One minute, I'm happy as a clam, the next minute, I'm down in the dumps. The problem is that there are more down moodswings than up and the news that I have learned last Friday, really put me on the downside. I would be resting comfortably this weekend, but this news is once again pumping me with paranoia. I heard of good times and bad times, but I have to admit this is getting rediculous and it' not doing my health any good. The song "I Go To Extremes" by Billy Joel pretty much sums up these mood swings.

I can relate very much with the message of this song because I've dealt with extreme emotion all my life. From report cards in school to employment reports at work, it's like a continuous emotional rollercoaster. Everytime, I feel happy, something happens that puts me down in the dumps. Just like my emotions, this song really pumps up the volume. Billy really plays a mean piano in this song which is really very hiper. He really described me in a nutshell with this song when it comes to mood swings.

Right now I'm trying to get things organized which means I'm preparing for the worst. I'm at my most apprehensive mood right now. The reason for this is because I don't know what to expect from this situation that developed. I pray that nothing bad will happen because lately, there's too much bad and too little good. I hope things work out well in the end regarding this situation.

Funny Billy Crystal Song/Video: Marvelous By Billy Crystal

Billy Crystal is for me, one of the funniest comedians that I have ever seen. His hostings of the Oscar and Grammy Awards never fail to make me laughs. Infact, everytime he cracks a joke, it really sends falling to the floor gasping for breath in between howls of laughter. From the first time, I saw him in the sitcom Soap to the present, he never fails to tickle my funny bone and that's no understatement. One of the funniest times I saw him during my high school days, was a song that always reminds me of the fast times of my decade laced with a little humor called "Marvelous".

The song was based on his S.N.L. character named Fernando (my surname) who can be described as a womanizer trying to score in a dance club and uses the word "Marvelous" to score. You can also say that his character is very vain in his attempts to meet women. Instead, he gets into all sorts of hilarious situation, the funniest for me was when he was talking to a girl when her large boyfriend comes in, prompting him to make a quit exit. Other funny parts of the video are his spoofs of Grace Jones, Prince, Tina Turner and other celebrities.

Time hasn't slowed down Billy Crystal. He's still very funny and his jokes always hit the mark with the audience. Whether it's movie, hosting an event, a guest appearance on a talk show or television series, he always makes me laugh. I hope he keeps it up, especially now when there's very little to smile about. To sum it all up: YOU ARE MARVELOUS!!!!

The Truth Is The Truth: Any Major Dude By Steely Dan

You know right now, I'm just recovering from an illness so hitting me with bad news is a sure knockdown. At this point of my life, I feel as vurnarable as a cube of ice in a furnace at the highest temperatures set. At times when I think things aren't going to get worse, they do. Still, you can't deny what's happening and even if it hurts, you have to face up to it. I guess that's what the band Steely Dan meant in the song "Any Major Dude".

Right now, if it's not one bad thing that I'm dealing with, it's another. Although people try to show sympathy to your plight, it can't hide the reality of the situation. Even if you suger-coat, the truth, it will still be the same and you have to accept it. Right now things are tough and getting tougher and now one will tell you otherwise. You can run from it, but eventually you're going to have to deal with it. I guess I'm at that point where the demon is at my door.

There is a a bright side to this song where it tells you that in the morning the demon won't be there. I really hope what he said that world that breaks apart will come together again because I have seen my world come apart one too many times and I can't take another painful process. I guess like the songs says, it's all up to me to figure things out. I just hope this time around, I make the right decision.